A feminist hypocrite!

"Finish the upma or you won't get your favorite chocolate mousse at night. Don't take your hands out of the window, I love you, bye", my voice slowly fading away as the bus passed. It has been my daily routine for the past 3 years, 29 days now. As I walked back home, I felt an aching sensation at my back. Rubbing it, I cleared the dining table. The bread sides left on the plate from the little one with ample amount of bread remaining, I realized I need to feed him other sources of nutrition.

"Where's my tie?", this voice had become the most unpleasant one lately. I rushed to the room and started looking for it while listening to abusive murmurs in the back. I was now used to it, like some background noise which is now a part of my life. "Will the blue one do?", I asked him hesitatingly. He snatched it and threw it on the floor leaving the room. I knew this doesn't stop here, and today is one "those days" for him. I made sure the toast was perfect and breakfast table was set before he entered the hall. I had developed a habit of engaging myself with something else while he was around just to stay away from him and all the drama afterwards. The moment he leaves home, I start my usual life, well by breathing freely.

I sat down on the couch rubbing my back, the pain had grown since the last night. As I sat there and looked around, I realized how human beings are capable of covering all the emotions, grief, sorrow, darkness deep inside. My house looked so happy with our wedding pictures, pre wedding shoots, my little one's first walk, fresh flowers blooming, curtains flowing, cool breeze playing with the wind chimes. This was all that was not there within me. I had been feeling hollow and dark since the past few years now and it was getting darker by each passing day. Lying there, all I could think of was what if the inside darkness murks the outside sunshine. These thoughts were what gave company to my solitary life after they both left for their school and work respectively.

As I switched on the tap water, I realized it was really cold outside. I undressed myself and the darkness came out. I had bruises all over my body speaking of the inside tenebrosity.

Let's rewind a little, like 8 years back. I was a writer by profession and feminist by choice. I always believed that if you have determination and you thrust upon something, you will have it. Fighting for women's rights, correcting people who'd feel feminists are misandrist were my day-to-day interactions with people. A strong, independent Indian woman as they say.

Until, I got married. Kabir my better half, was always very short-tempered and I got to know this within a month of our marriage but I thought we will just have to be matured enough and make this "arranged" marriage work, after all that's your parents biggest bet, you won't want them to lose that. So I decided, we'll work on it. Of course, I had tried this on quite a lot of people, changing the way they think and behave. It had worked. Every single time. But there was one thing that I missed. I never went back to those people, I did not live with them, I did not sleep with them. When you marry someone, you share a part of someone's lifestyle. Every time Kabir and I used to have a fight, I would go back counsel him and things would go back to normal the other day. It was not late till I realized that therapy doesn't work forever. Actually, it was the day he first hit me that I realized you can not change a person just by words. You may change his behavior for a while, but a human being remains the same from within, belonging to his roots.

It has been 7 years to my marriage and standing today, I can tell you that I am still a feminist who believes what is happening is not right but I am a hypocrite as well. I do not want my parents to lose their bet, I do not want my son to not have a normal family. And I certainly do not want to accept the fact that I wasn't able to change how the man of my life feels. In the end, I am losing the battle to myself with each passing day.